If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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