I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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