i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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