Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
