Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
