I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
