I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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