I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
