Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I did not marry a roomba.
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