Need sex. Gaining weight.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
