I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Randomize
