He asked to "fluff my boner.."
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
