I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
