Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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