and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize