based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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