I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
