youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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