theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize