ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
