A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
my being single is dangerous.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
