saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Randomize
