you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
