After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
