Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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