youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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