Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
