Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
They have beer where we have blood.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
