Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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