apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
