I could make wine with my vomit
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
