No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
