First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
