We're like a lot better than the average bears
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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