the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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