...so i touched it.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
