I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize