dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
