Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
