I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
We need a shit load of segways right now
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
