Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
