He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
