Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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