how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
