here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
