i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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