I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize