I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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