I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
