the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
