i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
