there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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