I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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