I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
