i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
