I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
