Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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