OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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