So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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