So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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