I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
