I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
