Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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