I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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