My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
