How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
