There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
