i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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